I May Be a B*tch, But I'm Polite

Punky and I had a little incident yesterday that I will admit torqued me for about 20 minutes.  I handled it politely and after conversing with Punky about what had happened and why, I let it go.  That’s pretty good for me.  Trust me.  However, it did get me to thinking about the ‘big picture’ of what happened and the longer I did that the bigger the picture became.  One thought rolled into another and then into another until I had a giant snowball of rant inside me and so here I go….

Punky and I were standing in line at the Post Office yesterday to mail my hubby a care package.  There were three folks waiting in front of us and no one behind us.  I realized I needed more supplies for the next time we ship so I told Punky to remain in the line, with the package we were currently shipping, and I stepped two feet over to grab some shipping boxes from that section of the Post Office.  I see movement out of the corner of my eye and glance up to watch an elderly woman approach the back of the line, look at Punky, and then proceed to cut in front of her.  Punky opened her mouth, as if to speak, but then she gave a little shrug to herself and closed her mouth.

I was raised by Depression Era parents who taught me a lot of ‘old fashioned’ manners.  I didn’t answer questions with a ‘yeah’ or ‘nah’.  I said and still say ‘please’, ‘thank you’, ‘you’re welcome’ and ‘excuse me.’  I hold open doors for folks coming in behind me and I smile at clerks who are waiting on me and ask them ‘How are you?’.  I *also* respect my elders.  It was instilled in me to my core.  As you might imagine, we instill the same with Punky.  Case in point - her little shrug and the shutting of her mouth when the elderly woman cut in front of her.

Punky was doing the right thing, the thing we had raised her to do…she was showing respect for an elder by letting the elderly woman cut in front of her.  Proud mama, right?  Yes, but here’s the thing, I *saw* the look this elderly woman gave my child right before she cut in front of her.  It was a look that I recognize well.  It was a look that said, “I’m a bitch, I get my way, and I’m not polite about it.”  Now, you might be thinking to yourself right about now that *I* am a bitch for thinking that and that’s okay because you’d be right a lot of the time.  However, I am polite.  I don’t think I’m always going to get my way (although that’s still a tough one for me, I admit).  I know you know the type of bitch to whom I’m referring.  You either have had encounters with this type of woman or you are this type of woman. 

I digress, back to the story.  I *knew* that this woman looked at Punky and decided that she could get away with cutting in front of her because Punky is a child.  I would guess this woman has lived her life as if she can get whatever she wants by being the biggest bitch in the room (tactics I’m familiar with, but have made great strides in overcoming of late).  So, there were really two issues working here.  This elderly woman’s attitude and her disrespect of children.  It was because of those two things that I decided to test the waters.  I’d remain polite, to a point, but I wanted to test my theory and perhaps teach Punky a life lesson in the process.

I walked back to Punky in line and as I did she gave me a look.  I know my child.  She is very intuitive, very.  She *knew* what I knew about this woman!  I love my girl!  Despite that, she still deferred to ‘respecting her elders’ in the situation.  For that, I *am* proud of her.  Still, I am an adult and I was diving into the situation.  I cleared my throat and said, “Excuse me, Ma’am?”  The woman ignored me.  That was one.  I cleared my throat again and repeated myself while gently tapping her on her shoulder.  I received a quick glance from her and then she turned her back again.  That was two.  I half-stepped into her space and said, “I’m sorry Ma’am, but my daughter was in line and you cut in front of her.”  The lady turned to glare at me with a bitchiness that took many years to breed and said nothing.  That was three.  I’d proven my theory so I just stared right back at her (yes, I can do BITCH) and nodded my head to behind us.  She sneered at me, rolled her eyes, and then moved to behind us.  I smiled very wide and nodded my head at her and said, “Thank you.”  After we finished mailing our package, and this woman was still being waited on, I turned to her, caught her eye, and said, “Have a great weekend, Ma’am.”

So, yes, perhaps I was a bitch but I was a polite, disciplined one.  That’s the thing that sticks in my craw.  I’m fine with women being bitchy.  Sometimes we are bitchy because we are hormonal (come on, be honest), sometimes because we have been hurt or angered, and sometimes it’s because we are full of righteous indignation.  Women are easily considered a bitch for merely standing up for themselves, voicing their opinions, or expressing their beliefs.  All those reasons are just fine.  Be a bitch, I say!  It’s just a word, a name that we are sometimes given by others (both men and other women) who don’t like it when we stand up for ourselves or something we believe in.  No problem.  But let’s be clear, you don’t have to be rude.  You especially don’t have to be rude to children.  Which leads me to part two of this little rant.

Adults want children to respect them.  *I* wish children to be respectful, but it can be a catch-22.  How will children learn to be respectful of others (and even themselves) if they don’t see adults modeling that behavior?  True, the responsibility of modeling politeness falls mainly into the parental camp.  Punky is respectful (most of the time) because her father and I have taught her to be respectful in both our words and deeds.  However, as children grow older and are out in the world, be it in school with ‘authority figures’, at the store with a clerk, or even the Post Office waiting in line with other adults, we, as those adults in the community, have a responsibility to model polite societal behavior to reinforce what children are learning at home.  If children aren’t learning it at home, then the hope would be that they’d pick up on the social mores through contact and communication with adults out in society.  Teaching children to be respectful starts with respecting them; treating them respectfully.  Children innately recognize the difference in adults, don’t fool yourself.  Punky is very aware when she is being treated with respect by adults and she is also very aware when she is not.  It is ridiculous and rude of us, as adults, to expect respect from children if 1) we don’t model respectful behavior ourselves and 2) we show no respect to the children. 

The elderly woman who was at the Post Office deserved my respect, according to how I was raised, because she was my elder.  I didn’t give her my respect because of how she treated my daughter and reacted to the situation.  I did, however, treat her politely.  What I taught Punky in that moment, as far as I’m concerned, is that it’s okay to seem like a bitch while standing up for yourself, just be polite about it.

~Mari B.

Getting Stuff Off My Chest

I’ve let a lot of stuff go by the wayside for the last few weeks.  Some I let go because I had enough on my plate to deal with and some I let go because I’m honestly working on myself and trying to let things go that don’t deserve my time or attention.  What falls into that second category, overwhelmingly, are circumstances and people that cause me to want to go off.  I’ve had moments, but I’m definitely more aware and controlling my responses much better.  As a result of all this though I have let a lot of stuff go.  I’ve ignored a lot of stuff too.  There have been a couple uplifting events that made me smile, both personally and in the world view.

I began training for a 5K three weeks ago.  I’ve never been an exercise person, ever.  I haven’t been this active in so long I can’t remember the last time.  However, I’ve yet to miss a day of training and while I haven’t seen any results by way of my clothes or the scale, I feel better physically, mentally, and emotionally and I’ve set my sights to actually run a 5K in June.  That’s huge for me.  Even when I started the training (one of those from the couch to a 5K apps) I had no intention of actually running a 5K in real life.  Now, that is my goal.  Big smile.

A world event that made me nod and smile was the Supreme Court’s ruling on DOMA.  All I can say about that is, ‘Well, duh….and about damn time.’

However, there have been other things in my life and in the world news that saddened me or pissed me off and I’ve been silent because I didn’t feel up to dealing with it or because I didn’t want to go off in a manner that made my ranting appear insane.  LOL  However, my gauge as hit the ‘full’ mark and I’ve got to get these things off my chest in order to make room for more positive things to come in.

I’m from Central Florida.  I grew up a stone’s throw from Sanford, Fl.  I was stunned at the George Zimmerman verdict.  While legally I never thought they would be able to prove Murder 2 I thought for sure he would be convicted of manslaughter.  Why?  As a jurist just learning that he ignored the instructions of the police dispatcher to remain in his vehicle meant he was looking to involve himself in something that had the potential to go wrong, the potential for someone to get hurt – including himself.  That says something to me – he either wanted to play hero or he wanted a fight.  Either way, he is responsible for his actions and since the young man is dead, part of the blame lays at Zimmerman’s feet.  I knew the black community would reel from the not guilty verdict. 

I know there is racism in America today.  In some ways it’s worse than prior to the Civil Rights movement.  Why?  People hide their racism.  Society accepts that racism is wrong, was always wrong, and that is should not be.  That’s on the surface.  Some folks have merely been trained to hide their racism, they haven’t stopped being racists.  I have no idea what is like to walk these streets as a person of color and I have no idea what it is like to be a man of color dealing with the deep-seated fear that communities have toward them.  I do know that mandatory sentencing is heavily slanted against people of color, they are in fact down right racist.  I do know that our prisons are full of more men than women and more of them are people of color than not.  All that points to a system that is racist.  Despite all this though I find myself wondering why the African American community, and all communities of various races, creeds, and color aren’t up in arms everyday over the crimes that are committed against our youth.  Black on black, white on black, black on white – it happens every day, everywhere.  But one young black man being shot by an adult (who was not black) is cause for the President to proclaim it a national tragedy?  It’s the fire lite under the NAACP’s political influence?  The list of young children who died from that day until the verdict was read is so long and so awful that I can’t even list them all.  Children, killed by other children or adults of the same race or difference race, just as dead as Trayvon Martin.  But it’s the crimes of white’s killing blacks that gets the media and the government’s attention?  What about the white man in North Georgia who was beaten to death by four black youths for no reason as he and his girlfriend were at a gas station?

There are enough tragic examples all over the internet.  My point?  It’s time to figure out why we are becoming a more violent society, at younger and younger ages, rather than constantly focusing on what color a person is that committed a crime or was a victim of one.  The pain a mother feels when burying her child is not dependent on the color of her skin.

Next thing I need to get off my chest – and this is a semi-repeat – I’m wondering if I will forever live in a country where, as a person who does not share a belief in the Christian religious doctrines, I will always hear how something I say offends one of them?   I’m not talking about me saying something about how ridiculous I think their beliefs are or other such insults, I’m talking about how I can’t even voice my opinion on why I believe what I do without it being an insult.  Yet, these folks either pick and choose what they do believe from their bible or they profess to believe it all and yet lead lives that are utterly out of step with their purported beliefs.  Why can’t I be offended by that?  You know, because of the hypocrisy of it all.  Sigh. 

Anyway, the world would have been a much better place if the last line of the Gospels had said, ‘Go forth and live your life as a shining example of brotherly love.  That is all that is required.’

Because that is all that is needed.  One does not require religion to be moral, one requires empathy.

Ok, I feel a little better now.  Thanks for tuning in.  Next blog post will be about homeschooling….I promise!

Mari B.

To Be or Not To Be....

It’s been a while, a long while, since I blogged…over three months.  There was no one reason why, but many.  First was the funk I was in from my husband leaving for a year remote assignment.  Next was a public smack down I received via the internet from someone I thought was a friend.  Then there was the usual end of school year business and Punky’s performance schedule for ‘The Music Man’, then acting camp and then another show ‘Honk, the Musical’ as well as her tap dance recital. 

In the midst of all that my sister in-law passed away suddenly and unexpectedly.  We were simply stunned.  Hubby was sent home by the Red Cross for two weeks and that consumed us.  The day he left to return our 2 year old niece drowned in the family swimming pool.  We buried the oldest child and youngest grandchild in a two week period.  I’ll just sum it all up by saying it was an emotionally rough month.

Now, I’m back…..because I’m doing better.  Not great, yet, but better.  I worry that I’ve changed somehow, intrinsically, that I no longer have what I did that made me funny or inappropriate.  My friends have noticed the difference.  I’m hoping that I get back to being ‘me’, the ‘me’ that I recognize but I think I have changed in a significant way.  I don’t feel myself and I’m trying to find my footing.  The immersion of who I was with how I’ve changed is a difficult process, I find.  I’ll admit it, there are days, more than I’d like to admit to, where I don’t deal with it all I just hide.  I hide inside my house, staying off the internet a lot, and I immerse myself in distracting activities like reading and getting caught up on my Netflix watching as well as spending time with Punky.

I know that I can’t do that forever, and I am getting back into the game…..however slowly.  Two weeks ago I started a 5K training program.  For me, this is huge.  I haven’t purposely participated in a physical exercise routine in 15 or more years.  It’s going well and I do believe it’s helping on several levels.  I’m putting together 6^th grade for Punky, who flat out told me, after more than 3 months of unschooling, she doesn’t like unschooling.  She wants to have lessons and assignments.  I’m working on finding a balance between unstructured free time integrated with lessons and assignments.  It’s coming along and I’ll blog about that soon.

Until then, for those that stuck with me, while I was away, thank you.  Thank you for your comments of support on the IH page.  Thanks to the newbies for dropping in to my blog and reading past posts.  I hope that the strange twists and turns I’m navigating won’t bore you too much.  But for me, putting it into written words finally became necessary so that I could have written evidence of this new evolution of my being.

Until next time…..

Mari B.