2018 - Taking the Bull by the Horns

 Every year I write a post discussing my selected “theme” for the coming New Year.  Every year I go back and read the previous years’ “theme” posts and reflect on them.  In looking back today, I realized I never did post a theme for 2017.  I think I wrote one but it was on my laptop that died and in the process of getting my new computer, the post was never retrieved and posted.  Somehow that’s fitting because 2017 was what can best be described as a “shit-show” of a year for me and mine.  No matter what theme I might have had in mind, it would have been blown to hell by a myriad of set-backs, hard times, illnesses, losses, and more.  I’ve spent the better part of 2017 as a care-giver in one capacity or another to my parents and my husband and all their health issues and crises, to a few friends, as well as being a mom to Punky.  We have dealt with a ton of health issues, a disability, a job loss, huge financial burdens, a stalker, and impending death this year and there’s no real end in sight right now.  To be honest I was seriously thinking about not doing a theme for the coming year either as very little of the aforementioned “shit-show” has resolved itself and the world at large seems like a very gloomy, destined-to-implode place right now.  Then a friend quoted Captain Picard to me: “It is possible to do everything right and still lose”.  I sunk down into that quote for a couple of days, bemoaning in the truth of it actually.  And then I came upon this quote by Robert Brault:

"Everything we possess that is not necessary for life or happiness becomes a burden, and scarcely a day passes that we do not add to it." 

2016...The Year of NOW

As some may remember, I don't do resolutions.  They are wasted on me as I'm more of a 'big picture' person.  At the end of 2011 I realized that my life was too hectic and busy.  I was allowing myself to be pulled into too many directions.  I decided that I need to change that for the coming year and so I picked a theme for the year.  One word that I could focus on that would help guide me, focus me, on how I lived and to fulfill my goals for that year.  Simplify was the word then.  In the years since I've continued to select a one word theme for each new year as I've found it really helps me.  It's a way of letting go of what didn't work in the previous year but not getting bogged down with a lot of 'have tos and shoulds'.  Through the years I've embraced "Authentic", "Peace", and "Transformation" as well as the original "Simplify".

I must admit that surprising results are netted from doing this.  Sometimes, throughout any given year, I'm reminded of something my mother always said, "Careful what you ask for." 

Please Considering Supporting N.A.S.H.

It has been a dream of mine for a bit now.  I've blogged about it, talked about it, and posted about it for almost two years.  I've been fortunate to have a great deal of support via a talented team of women taking on various positions with N.A.S.H. and an entire group of Inappropriate Homeschoolers cheering us on who believe in the idea behind The National Alliance of Secular Homeschoolers.

As we move closer and closer to the reality of N.A.S.H. I'd like to ask all the 'inappropriate homeschoolers' out there, and anyone else who support secular homeschooling, to please considering helping with funding!  

I truly believe that the day will come when homeschoolers, just like us, will have a strong voice, united in our vision, having created an alliance that provides support, resources, and a community for us all.

Thank you for any help you can give.  Any amount is deeply appreciated.

GoFundMe NASH Fundraiser

~Mari B.

It's Almost Time for a New Year and a New Theme

Ringing in 2013

Our homeschooling isn’t the only thing that will be getting an overhaul for 2013.

In 2012 our homeschooling life, our life in general really, was a mad dash from one thing to the next.  I was involved in a Homeschool Co-Op, in a leadership position, that took considerable time and effort.  Punky was involved in 4H, art classes, tennis, swim team, acting classes, performances, classes at the library and the local museum as well as ‘easy’ things such as Park Day.  We were B-U-S-Y.  It became too much for both of us, really.

I realized that I had reached an age where I didn’t need or want to be on the GO-GO-GO, nor could I mentally handle it the way I did when I was in my 20s and 30s.  Punky, thank God, has enough of her father’s personality that while she’s a social extrovert (like me), she also enjoys her alone, ‘down’ time as much as her busy, go-go time.  It was time to ‘let go’ of a lot of activities and commitments and so instead of making New Year’s resolutions, I embraced a theme for the New Year.  Simplify.  That was my 2012 resolution.  In many ways, I was successful.  I let the Home School Co-Op go, which was a huge weight off of me.  In our homeschooling life, we gave up the things that weren’t furthering our objectives or that Punky no longer truly enjoyed.  We withdrew from art class, acting class that she had outgrown, tennis, swim team, and the classes at the local museum.  We don’t make every Park Day anymore either.

True, we picked up a few new activities, but only ones that truly met with Punky’s ambitions.  Our 'schooling' life (outside of instructional lessons) revolves around all the things needed to further Punky’s life goal of being an actress on Broadway.  She takes voice now and will begin dance in January.  She began auditioning for the local theatres and was involved in three shows (which takes up a LOT of time).  These things, while they can be exhausting, are thrilling and purposeful and neither Punky nor I have developed any resentment or dread over shuttling here and there for these opportunities.  I think that makes all the difference.  If you are involved in something that you dread, it’s not the right thing in which to be involved.  We are happy with that in which we purposefully choose to participate.

2013 is fast approaching and I was contemplating what the New Year theme needed to be.  While the homeschooling schedule still needs a bit of tweaking, and that is one of the goals for 2013, I realized that those things that really require change are not tangibles. 

2012, while ‘simplified’, was an emotional year on so many levels, in so many ways.  To be honest, I feel quite beat up by it.  Oh, don’t get me wrong – there have been wonderful adventures!  My husband received a well-earned promotion, Punky performed for the first time on a real theatre stage, and I launched this blog and subsequent facebook page – which is a wonderful outlet for me. But there have been emotional challenges out the wazoo:  waiting to see what our future holds with the military,  my husband receiving deployment orders that will take him away for us for one year,  my parent’s failing health and all the issues that go along with that, as well as my own personal, emotional challenges.

 I’ve been blessed this year with true friends who have stood by me, helped me, and supported me through it all (even my mistakes and misdeeds).  I’ve been rejected and cast aside by others who I thought were friends, in a very hurtful, yet totally high school locker room manner.  While I’ve been fortunate enough to find a small, like-minded secular homeschooling community (finally), I’ve dealt with my share of difficult situations that arise as a result of my being me and residing in the Deep South.  There has been a time or two, during the year, where I broke down in tears for feeling as if EVERYTHING was a struggle, that there was so much working against me – be it circumstances or people.  (I would expect that there are even those who know me that may be reading this blog post and thinking to themselves either ‘serves her right’ or ‘she brings it on herself’.)

 While reflecting upon my 2012 goal of ‘Simplify’, and even reading some articles on the topic, I stumbled upon an article that listed simplify as the first step for a life lived at peace.  After serious reflection, I realized I had my theme for 2013……PEACE.

Peace in my personal life and peace in our homeschooling life.  I will let peace be my guide.  If it makes my stomach clench in distress, and I have control over it, it will be changed or it will be OUT.  Now, one of my ongoing, personal struggles is between my natural personality and a state of ‘Zen’.  I’m not good at that shit.  I wish I were.  I wish I were all calm, and deep, and wise.  I’m not.  I’m hyper, reactive, and a dumbass most of the time; bitchy some of the time.   

So clearly I need to make peace with some things in order to have peace in my life.  Those things that I don’t have peace about, and I can control, I will focus on changing in 2013.  Those things that I don’t have peace about and I can remove from my life, I will. 

So, here’s my list of changes (or removals) that I will be making in 2013 –

The Year of Peace.

I enjoy writing my blog and running my facebook page.  The fans are great!  If you are one of them – thank you for coming along on the inappropriate ride!  My personal facebook page, however, has become a source of distress too many times and that is where some changes will be made.  Those who weren’t for me in 2012 will not be coming with me in 2013.  Others, that I don’t have a close relationship with, will be set to restricted status.  I’m treating my personal facebook as I do my home – and not everyone gets invited into the house, if you know what I mean.

I will be letting go of ‘long-term future planning’.  It doesn’t bring me peace, in fact most of the time it adds extra distress to my life.  Our circumstances:  being a military family, homeschooling, and having parents who are sick and live far away involve so much that is beyond our control that every time I ‘plan for the future’ and the fates coitus with that I’m distressed once again.  I can’t change the fates, so instead I’m going to stop the planning.  We will go with the flow – making the best decisions we can, when we must, with the information we have.

I’m letting go of the notion that I’m not enough (or in some cases too much).  I am exactly what I need to be in this moment in time.  I am the mother and teacher that Punky needs, the wife my husband needs, and the friend that my friends need or want.  I’m the person I need to be for me.  Changes and growth come with experience, true.  I am no longer going to beat myself up over the fact that I can’t be it all or have it all. I am letting go of the fact that I make mistakes.  Once I realize the mistake I’ve made and done what I can to learn from it and/or rectify it – I’m letting it go.  Anyone who can’t let go of resentment toward me for past mistakes will be put to pasture.  I’m not going to waste the precious time I have left on this planet agonizing over the mistake I made or the fact that someone can’t forgive me and let it go.

Which leads me to, I’m giving up on people who don’t make any effort.  That means those who don’t seem to care about me or my life, those that require me to do all the work to maintain the relationship, and those that can’t or won’t do what they say they will (time and time again) - these people stress me out and hence, no peace.  Those people need to go!

I’m going to start saying ‘No’.  Now, this may seem odd.  I’m inappropriate, so what would I say no to?  Well, first, I have standards – some things are beyond inappropriate – but that is not what I’m referring to.  I actually have a problem turning people down, turning people away, or not letting people ‘in’.  That’s going to change in 2013.  Folks are going to enjoy the view from the cheap seats until I have had a chance to assess their character.  No more believing everyone is honest, kind, caring, understanding, or forgiving.  No more accepting people for who they are to the point of letting them screw with me and my life.  Very few people actually reciprocate the kind of acceptance I give and I’m going to value my assets a lot more than I have.  I’m a good friend to have.  Yes, I may be reactive at times and speak harshly or without thought (and I’m working on that) and that can be hurtful to my friends.  However, I love unconditionally, I am without judgment, and I am honest.  I am there for my friends, day or night, whenever they need me, in any way they need me.  I believe in ‘deep ties’ and if I care about you, I’ll turn my life inside out to be there for you and help you.  That shit is valuable.  I’m going to learn to realize how valuable a friend I really am, despite my flaws. 

There are other ways I am going to work to have peace in my life.

I am going to focus on managing expectations.  This is two-fold.  First, I’m going to worry less about ‘meeting the expectations’ of others.  I am going to be honest with myself and others about what does stress me out and not worry if they think it’s silly, weak, or stupid.  If I can let go of my worry of other peoples expectations then I can say, “No, that won’t work for me so I won’t be doing that – or doing it that way.”  It’s just not worth it anymore.  I end up acting like a big ole’Bitch when I’m put into a situation that I didn’t want to be in the first place and it’s my own damn fault for letting it happen because I wanted to please someone else or meet someone else’s expectations or needs. But more importantly than that even, I am going to focus on keeping my expectations, about everything, more realistic.  This is actually a big one for me.  A lot of unrest in my life is a result of my own expectations.

 Which leads me to….

I am going to let go of my ‘negativity bias’.  I am such a ‘the glass is half empty’ kind of gal.  I am going to focus on the part of the glass that is half full.  Now, how?  I’m going to keep a gratitude journal.  I’ve always scoffed at this type of ‘New Agey’ action, but I have come to realize that it is true that the only way to be more positive is to focus on the positive and the easiest way to do that is to WRITE down the positives so you’ll remember.  I will be teaching my brain to focus on the positives, the daily things – no matter how small – about which to be grateful.  In keeping with this, I will also no longer allow myself to be purposely exposed to difficult or negative people, those who constantly bring me down or undermine my efforts to improve my life. If they are unwilling to understand my current goals then I will be better off without them. 

In my daily walk in order to have less stress and more peace I will:

1)  Do less each day.  I will focus on three important objectives for the day and those will be my ‘To Do’ list for the day.  If it’s not on my 'To Do' list, and it’s not an emergency, it will not be attended to that day unless I have the free time and emotional energy to do so.

2)  I will only make commitments that reflect what is important in our lives.  I will no longer commit to ‘fillers’ or obligate myself to those things that I have no real interest in pursuing.

3)  I will leave S-P-A-C-E between appointments, commitments, obligations, and activities whenever possible.  I am no longer capable of rushing from one thing to the next and it’s time to be honest about how stressed out it makes me to do so - stressed out to the point that I act like a big 'ole Bitch.

How I will incorporate this into the homeschooling aspect of our lives is actually simple– in theory, anyway.  To have a more peaceful homeschooling experience we will:

1)  Commit to accomplishing three educational goals a day.  Anything else accomplished is a bonus.

Yes, that’s it.  That will be the BIG change we make in 2013 regarding our homeschooling.  My ‘To Do List’ in homeschooling is always a page or two long.  We never get it all done.  In fact, we never get half of it done.  It stresses me out.  It makes me feel unaccomplished.  It’s time to stop being an idiot about it.  It’s time to set realistic goals.  We have a clear, attainable objective – Punky wants to be in the Theatre, now and as a career.  I WILL be the mother who supports her dream, no matter how ‘big’ or some would say, ‘unrealistic’ that dream is.  We are a homeschooling family – which allows us the freedom to tailor-make our life.  It’s time we acted like it. 

So now, instead of writing out weekly lesson plans, or objectives, I will write them out daily.  The night before I will sit down and list the three educational goals for us to accomplish the next day.  The next night when I sit down, I will evaluate what was accomplished, enjoyed, and learned from completing that day’s goals and use that to set the next day’s three educational goals.  We will homeschool day-to-day.  Period.  No more stressing out for me… or for Punky either.

There it is… all written out for me and the world to see.  I’m going to print it and then live it for my ‘Year of Peace’ in 2013.

~ Mari B.

A Little Lesson on Inappropriate

My Life Lesson on Being Inappropriate

I’ve been receiving remarks, let’s call it ‘commentary’, on my inappropriate nature.  At first I wondered if people just weren’t paying attention.  I mean, I practically wear a warning sign when I leave the house!  Granted the sign doesn’t say anything about ‘inappropriate’, it looks more like this:

Or this:

 

I get that words mean different things to different people, even though we have these things called Dictionaries to avoid confusion.  Nonetheless, words carry different meaning for different folks.

I just wanted to take a brief moment out of your day, and mine, to blog about being inappropriate and my recent life lesson on inappropriateness.  After explaining (and confessing) publicly, I hope I’ll not have to do so again and if I do, I can always direct folks (or myself, if appropriate) back to this blog entry.

First item on the agenda:  Inappropriate.  Easy definition is:  not appropriate.   

LOL  I joke... because I can.   

Merriam & Webster (my favorite source for definitions) says this: 

Inappropriate - not appropriate : unsuitable

Hmmm, so I wasn’t so far off the mark!

We can actually get a bit more by looking at synonyms for inappropriate.

Here they are:

amiss, graceless, improper, inapposite, inapt, incongruous, incorrect, indecorous, inept, infelicitous, malapropos, perverse, unapt, unbecoming, unfit, unhappy, unseemly, unsuitable, untoward, wrong, out of place, out of the way

Seriously though, the word itself is fairly easy to understand, I believe.  It’s the CONTEXT that muddles things up.  Something (or someone) can be inappropriate due to words spoken, actions committed, or bad placement.  I hit the Trifecta of inappropriateness.  I am inappropriate due to my words, actions, and placement.  I fully recognize that I have control over the first two, while having little to no control over the last.

In looking over the synonyms for inappropriate I find that there are a couple on the list that I really am not comfortable being labeled.  Graceless, ouch!  Inapposite, inapt and inept (which all mean about the same) is just well, insulting!  Who wants to be thought of as foolish, without sense or reason, absurd, or incompetent??  And how in the world is ‘unhappy’ a synonym for ‘inappropriate’?  I looked around and discovered it was used in this context: 

He made an unhappy choice.  He made an inappropriate choice. 

Hmmm?

Now the rest on the list, I’m fine with because I am all those other things and I LOVE IT!

So, where’s my recent life lesson, you may be wondering right about now?  Here it is.  I speak more than my mind.  I speak my emotions.  That, my friend, is very dangerous territory; for both me and others.  I’m finally starting to realize just how important a difference it is.  A lot of folks speak their mind and while I’m sure there are those that are offended by that, it’s not as unacceptable, inappropriate, rude, or HURTFUL as it can be to speak your emotions.  Speaking your emotions is another thing entirely. And it’s not always with words that I speak my emotions.  My facial expressions and body language are ‘larger than life’ ( like the rest of me) most of the time and can pack just as much of a wallop as my words!

Emotions are fickle.  Even strong emotions can be fickle.  One doesn’t have to be diagnosed with a mental illness to experience mood swings.  It happens regularly for most of us – perhaps more for women then men, but I don’t want to make those types of generalizations.  Something that has me hot under the collar today may not even be a blip on my radar by tomorrow.  It’s not just that I need to remember that.  I need to remember that my words and actions should reflect the person I *truly* am, not the emotion I am having in a given moment. 

I’m reminded of the line from one of my favorite movies of all time, ‘When Harry Met Sally’, where Sally tells Harry that he has to figure out a way to not express every feeling he has every moment he has them.

Oh how true, how true – so pay attention Harry, err, Mari!

And now I realize that is where I truly run into problems.  Big ones!  Sigh.  It isn’t a problem when people refer to me as a bitch or don’t like me because I’m not afraid to state my opinion, speak my mind, stand up for what I believe, laugh at things others think are inappropriate, or be a little wild and crazy.  That, my friend, is ON THEM – not me.  But it is a problem when what I say or do is being fueled by blind emotions.  When I react first, off the cuff, without thinking or taking people’s feelings into consideration, I’m hurting others and in the end hurting myself because that isn’t who I am, not in my heart.  That certainly isn’t the person I want to be.

I’m a work in progress is all I can think to say; well that and at least I’ve finally recognized the problem because you know you can’t solve a problem until you admit you have one! 

Lest you think me an idiot, it’s not like I didn’t realize before this that I spoke my emotions.  Of course I did.  I just didn’t grasp to what extent I did - how inappropriate it really could be, and worse – how hurtful to others it was.  No matter how often something stares us in the face, it’s not until we have our own personal ‘Aha’ moment that we truly begin to understand.

Yep, I’ve done some damage - in the past and the present.  Real damage.  Realizing that makes me realize how much damage I must have done throughout my 45 years.  Ouch. 

I fear that in some ways I’m like Hurricane Katrina --- years have passed but the effects are still being felt.  And no, not because I think I’m so powerful that I was able to devastate anyone who had the misfortune to cross my path.  Rather, I’m reminded of the line from the movie ‘Remember Me’ – “Our fingerprints don’t fade from the lives we touch.”  I believed that before I heard it and I still do.  What I said or did to every someone I’ve said or done something to is still there, somewhere.  It’s a part (if only the tiniest particle) of their life and who they are.

The same is true for me.  For all the folks who left finger prints on my life, those prints helped shape me for good or bad, positive or negative.  There’s no point in wondering why people who cause us pain come into our life, not really.  They are necessary.  Yes, they are responsible for what they said or did to us – just as I am responsible for all the things I have said and done; but they were necessary to our individual story.  We are the ultimate authors of our lives.  We write the story from the material available to us and we have the power to write it the way we want it to be.  I think I’m digressing though, so back to topic.

Life Lesson #9, 947:

  There is an inappropriate way of being inappropriate or, better still...
 there is an appropriate way of being inappropriate.

Other people's actions are their Karma, how I react is mine.

~Mari B.

Life Lesson Learned

I’ve often said that what it means to ‘grow up’ is reconciling the life you have with the life you thought you’d have……...

Everyone comes into our lives for a reason. Some people are meant to be with you for a long time and others for just a short period of time.  Every one of them has something to teach us.  Some people enter our lives for the purpose of teaching us painful lessons.  Some do this through kindness, love, or acceptance.  Others will do it through pettiness, meanness, betrayal, or deceit.  Either way, the lessons need to be learned.   

Those people who came into your life for a brief time and brought pettiness, meanness, betrayal, indifference, hurt, or dishonesty have their own lessons to learn, yes, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be a tool for your own learning.  The trick is that once the lesson is learned; only hold on to those people who taught you through kindness, love, or acceptance.  The others are the ones you let go; they served their purpose, but their time in your life should be over.  Let them go in peace so you will be at peace in your heart, at peace with what you’ve learned, and at peace with who you are. 

It is the loved ones that have known us the longest and the deepest that understand how far we’ve come.  New folks only know you as you are now, and judge you from that perspective.  They forget that you, just as they, are an evolving human being who very well may have already grown leaps and bounds.  Only you truly know how far you’ve come or how far you need to go.  Judge yourself by your own yardstick, not your neighbors.  Recognize the mistake you just made, analyze how to correct it, put that plan into action, and then pat yourself on the back for a moment for how far you’ve come and that you still have the strength to move forward. 

~Mari B.