What the Hell Is Wrong With People?

There is something seriously wrong with people when they get angry - filled with RAGE - when someone else believes differently, acts differently, celebrates differently, lives differently than they do.  Seriously.  If someone else's actions have no real impact on you - they aren't stopping you from life, liberty, or your pursuit of happiness - and you feel anger toward them you need to seek professional help.  No human being should be so angry at the world that differences cause them to react in anger.  It is NOT normal for you to feel enraged because someone isn't a Christian.  It is not normal to feel enraged because someone is gay.  It is NOT normal for you to feel enraged because someone doesn't celebrate Christmas, either at all or what you deem as the 'right way' (your way).  It's NOT normal for you to be so filled with hate and anger that you won't even speak to a person who has a different color of skin,  wears an item of clothing you wouldn't, or is holding hands with a person of the same sex, etc.  When anger and hate fill your heart so that anyone, anywhere, anytime that is DIFFERENT than you makes your blood boil, you see red, or you envision committing a violent act against them......YOU have the PROBLEM:  an emotional, mental, spiritual crisis that should have YOU seeking guidance, counseling .....maybe even medication.  THAT is the conversation we should be having in this country. 

WHY are so many Americans SO angry and filled with SO much hate? 

Homeschool Kids are Weird

So, a funny thing happened at lunch last week.  An acquaintance made the comment to me, "Homeschool kids are weird," followed quickly by....."Oh, not YOUR daughter, she's perfectly normal....but you know, ok...well you know, usually, homeschool kids are weird."  I literally said nothing in return but merely stared at her until she changed the subject.  Since then I've given this a lot of thought.  She's right.  Homeschooled kids are weird.

Yep, I'm saying it.....homeschool kids are weird - in hundreds of different ways.  They are weird for hundreds of different reasons, but being homeschooled isn't one of them.  It's a casual fallacy to put forth the argument that homeschooling causes children to be weird.  In order for an effect to be correctly linked to a cause certain "rules" have to be followed. 

1. Generally, if C occurs, then E will occur, and
2. Generally, if C does not occur, then E will not occur ether.

What has happened, in my opinion, that results in homeschooling being thought to make kids weird is known as a Post Hoc casual fallacy - Because one thing follows another, it is held to cause the other.

Why do I believe that?  Well let's look again at what is required to link a cause to an effect.  If homeschooling (C) occurs, then a child will be weird (E occurs) **and** if homeschooling (C) does not occur then a child will not be weird (E will not occur).  So what this means, at least as I understand it, is that generally if homeschooling occurs, children will be weird.  Well homeschooled kids are weird so there's that.  Now, if homeschooling doesn't occur then children will not be weird.  Wait, hold up....so if children aren't homeschooled they aren't weird?  Well - and here's where saying homeschooling causes kids to be weird derails - children who aren't homeschooled are in fact .....weird.  Just spend a day at your child's daycare, public/private school for proof that kids are weird.

Ah, ha!  That's it!  There's the answer.  Kids are weird.  Period.  All kids, every kid, in some way, can be labeled 'weird'.  This meets the 'rule' that if "C" occurs (you're a kid) then "E" will occur (you're weird) and if you aren't a kid (never born) then you aren't weird.  We can't say that once you aren't a kid you are no longer weird because truth be told ALL people are weird.  I'm weird, you're weird, she's weird, he's weird, your mom was weird, your dad was too and let's not get started on how weird your siblings are!

Respecting Rights vs. Tolerating Beliefs

That family with a lot of kids who are homeschooled and very fundamental Christian in their religious ideology has been in the news a bit lately.  There was the snafu of the '1st kiss' pictures on their facebook page where folks from the LGBT community posted their own kiss pictures with their partners and then there was the robocall the matriarch of this clan put out that likened transgender human beings to pedophiles.  As expected, facebook, twitter, etc BLEW UP with posts, comments, and memes either in support of the clan's statements and beliefs or opposing them.  I, myself, crawled out from under the evolutionary rock from which I sprang to post a comment or two, share a meme, and give rise to my ire at the offensive implication that was made toward the LGBT community.

It was through these exchanges that I was banned from one facebook page with all my comments deleted.  So many others also commented that the owner of the page felt the need to delete all such remarks, ban all who opposed the discriminatory ideology, and make this post:

..."I am finding that people are coming here attacking Christians and saying that we need to be "tolerant" of their beliefs, but not vice versa. I find it repugnant that my beliefs, faith and morals are NOT tolerated. I find it repugnant that freedom of religion continues to be trampled upon in this nation, something that was so very important to our founding fathers. I find it repugnant that the Constitution has become irrelevant and disrespected. It is beyond words that people have redefined freedom of speech to fit their own narrow definition. It applies to EVERYONE, no matter what. That is what my husband has fought for in 2 wars, and hundreds of thousands before him. I will not stand silent while his sacrifice is demeaned and my faith attacked. I will have to tolerate the beliefs of those I disagree with and demand that the same be done in return. That is civility. And so many here on FB have proven that they lack their quality."

Hey, it's her facebook page - she can do as she wants.  I have, upon rare occasion, banned a few folks from the IH facebook page.  The ones I ban are the ones that post such obscene and offensive hate speech or  just religiously repugnant ideology, that I literally can't stomach having their comments on my facebook page.  So, I support her right to delete commentary and ban people.  It's her page.  But it did get me to thinking about rights and tolerance...

3 Tips for a Hot, Inappropriate Homeschooling Marriage

Let's be honest.  

Our kids are with us ALL the tme.  

That's an upside, in my opinion, to homeschooling.  

Alas, it can cause a 'downside'.  

How do you have a hot marriage if the kids are always in the picture?

Never fear, the answers are here!

The Art of Inappropriate Homeschooling

By

The Inappropriate Homeschooler

Inappropriate homeschooling is the easiest of all homeschooling methods.   There's really only a few items on the check list of homeschooling inappropriately.

  

1.  Be Authentic. 

 There's only one way to be happy:  Be your authentic self.  That bit of wisdom is not only true for living but for homeschooling as well.  If it isn't 'for you' don't try to make it 'for you'.  Don't worry about trying to teach kids fractions while cooking if you hate to cook.  Don't worry about trying to teach your kids all about plants by planting your own garden if you hate gardening.  Don't worry about following a curriculum if you *hate* following curriculums.  Follow a curriculum if you *love* following a curriculum.  Read all sorts of blog posts and pinterest boards for fabulous ideas on homeschooling if it works for you.  If doing that makes you feel sick to your stomach, don't read them - except this one of course.  The bottom line here is be true to yourself and allow your children to be true to themselves.  Find what works for you and your kids - no matter what it looks like to anyone else - and DO THAT.  If you are pulling your hair out, constantly 'sweating' over homeschooling, or continually feeling like you are failing then you are not being your authentic self and that doesn't work.  Trust me.

2.  Be Honest

The first step to being authentic is be honest.  Be honest with yourself, about yourself and about your kids.  This is hard-core, look yourself in the mirror honesty.  Do you work well with schedules?  Do your kids?  Do you do better with curricula?  Do your kids?  How do you best accomplish goals?  Are the goals you set ones that matter to you?  (Most of us don't accomplish goals that don't either matter to us or pay some dividend so we have to do what works for us).  If you already know that planning that BIG science project and buying all the supplies is as far as you'll get with it - be honest about that and skip it.  There *are* other ways to achieve objectives.  If you want or need your child to learn a foreign language, you don't have to learn it first you just have to find a resource for your child that works for him to learn it.  The same is true for science projects, gardening, and cooking (with fractions).  The more honest you are about who you are and what works for you the easy it is to look at your kids and be honest about what works for them and then find the authentic path that is your family's homeschooling.

Why Should I Have to Pretend?

Secular Homeschooling in the Secular Community

There has been a bit of a hullabaloo in my neck of the woods the last week or so.  In the midst of the hullabaloo was the issue of being secular.  Sadly, the issue was inside a homeschool group that carries 'secular' in its title.  One would think that a secular group, that displays the word in its title, would have a clearly defined working use of the word secular.  However, no matter how well defined, it is apparent that the word means something different to each secular homeschooler and unless the word is defined to the ninth degree, there is room for interpretation.  Who knows, maybe even when it is defined to the ninth degree there would be room for interpretation.

Bill Nye Insults Homeschooling?

I had the chance to actually be in the moment when a homeschooler asked Bill Nye on his facebook page if he would ever consider creating a science curriculum for homeschoolers.  This was on a thread where Bill Nye asked his fans to submit questions he would answer:

"Bill Nye (the Science Guy) here, sitting by ready to take your questions (your good questions)..."

THE question:  "The homeschool community is severely lacking in real science curricula. Will you give thought to creating a science curriculum for the ever-growing number of secular homeschoolers?"

His response was less than stellar, in my opinion:

Homeschooling, Like Motherhood, Is Not a Sprint

As I mentioned, I get questions here and there from readers of my blog, fans of the IH facebook page, or posted in the IH support group.  Every now and then I get a question from someone that I think is a concern that is worth answering as a blog post on the chance that it may help others.  The topic for inappropriate discussion today is multi-faceted.  How can we know as homeschoolers that we are doing enough to teach our kids?  How can we know that they are learning what they need to learn?  How much worry is too much worry about whether it is going 'right'?

How To Homeschool Your Little Ones

I receive questions or inquiries for advice.  Yeah, I know....it surprises me too.  Who am I to give advice?  I am just another homeschool mom schlepping her way through the journey one step at a time.  Nonetheless, I get questions.  There's one I get a lot.  I'm going to address it here.  "How should I homeschool my 2, 3, 4, 5 year old?"  They are looking for curriculum I recommend, structure to implement, etc.  So, here's my advice.

My Inappropriate Opinion on "Lazy Homeschoolers"

I've gone over it and over it in my mind - how can *I* write this blog post and be coherent, calm, and rational.  I've finally decided I can not.  Oh, I am still writing, but I am not worried about calm and rational.  I am not even concerning myself with terms like 'fair', 'non-judgmental', and 'tolerant.  Screw it.  I have had more than my fair share of 'judgmental and unfair' thrown my way lately and I'm just going to give in to an old-fashioned rant.

Who the hell do some people think they are?  I read a blog post this week entitled:  "An Open Letter to Lazy Homeschooling Parents".  I read it not because I thought it would apply to me but because when I saw the title I thought surely this would be a fun, satirical read; a blog post that I myself could have written.  Boy, Oh Boy was I wrong!  This woman was serious and she was condescending and insulting.  I'm not linking her blog, I won't promote it that much, but if you are so inclined google the title and read it for yourself.  Feel free to comment on it even, as you are free to comment on my post here.

This woman feels there is a serious enough issue within the homeschooling community that she had a heavy heart and felt called to speak out.  I could give her the benefit of the doubt and say that her heart was in the right place, but I'm not in the mood.  I do not really care what her motivations or intentions were.  I am just going to speak my peace.  Get the hell out of other homeschooling families business.  Just get the hell out.  It does no good to 'call out lazy homeschooling parents' because if there are those that meet your description, trust me, they aren't searching the internet for articles or blog posts that are written about them.  The expression "stupid is as stupid does" comes to mind and so logically it follows that 'lazy is as lazy does' and lazy homeschoolers aren't surfing the internet for your wisdom on the matter. 

One concern listed was our need, as homeschoolers, to produce a superior

product than the public system produces.  Yes, our children apparently are products.  I do believe that is how the public education system sees them.  I will be damned if I will support the idea of the homeschooling community seeing them the same way.  If *you* see your children as a product that is *your* business but get the hell out of my homeschooling experience and home.  Punky is a human being and my goal is for her to grow up happy, healthy, and filled with personal, meaningful purpose.  That is my goal so that she will be an adult who pursues a life that is happy, healthy, and will with personal, meaningful purpose. 

Another point was the concern that our homeschooling rights could be taken from us or more heavily regulated if we don't produce a superior product.  Homeschooling is a right in all 50 States in the USA.  That right is not going to be revoked because the 'community' MIGHT produce a few children who, as that blogger suggested, "enter the workforce without a proper education".  Homeschooling does get blamed, at times, for all sorts of things.  Just recently it was blamed for the death of a child in Ohio.  Ohio proposed much stricter homeschooling regulations and within mere days the homeschooling community put that shit to rest.  Go Ohio Homeschoolers!  Woot!  Woot! (As an aside it was not just the religious homeschoolers who affected the change, but several secular homeschoolers including some from the Inappropriate Homeschoolers homeschooling group).  Homeschooling is not the reason children are abused or neglected, any form of abuse or neglect, anymore than children are the reason they are abused.  Children are abused and neglected because the primary caretakers in their lives are mentally screwed up.  Looking to homeschooling as the problem is absurd.  If public schooling was the answer to child abuse then there wouldn't be more than 3 million reports involving 6 million children in the USA each year, with approximately 4 deaths PER DAY.  Why do I say that?  Simple math.  The majority of students who are school age are public schooled.  That means that they enter the halls of a public institution five days a week for 36 weeks and yet.....child abuse is an ongoing and escalating problem.

Now let's turn to the recent statistics of college graduate.  A 2011 NY Times article reported 22.4 percent of college graduates cannot find jobs and another 22 percent are working jobs that don't require a college degree.  Oh, on top of that, the average graduate is roughly $25,000 in debt upon graduating.  That means that almost half of all college graduates are not benefiting by being a 'superior product'.  After all, college is *the* way to became a superior product, for the majority of mindsets, right?.  My point?  Getting into college and graduating is no longer a guarantee that one will have a successful, well-paying job.  Now, more than ever, students need to find a way to acquire the skills they need to pursue their career goals.  Yes, that may mean going to medical school, but it can also mean schooling in the real world by hacking their education.  So, producing 'superior product', as was described by the blogger attacking lazy homeschoolers, is not only insulting but an outdated definition of success.

It was pointed out that spending the day at the park, doing arts and crafts, doing household chores, or spending time with friends is NOT homeschooling, in fact she called it 'cheating'.  I wonder at what age she has determined one needs to turn away from parks, arts, and social activities in order to be properly educated?  Oh sure, she means those that ONLY do that.  So at what age is it okay to do that ONLY and what age does it become wrong?  My answer would be, that's your fucking business not hers.

She says it is our business because there are high schools who are requiring their drop outs to register as homeschoolers in order to make 'themselves look better'.  I know that state laws vary, but  sixteen is the eligible age in most states to drop out and I'd say that if one wishes to leave high school and register as a homeschooler, so be it.  I'm not overtly concerned with a statistic that shows a child failing in public school for 16 years and then leaving to homeschool.  That doesn't make me want to 'tiger mom' my daughter's education any more than the uber-homeschoolers make me want to do it.  I know very strict, traditional homeschoolers and I know a few who believe in religious education first and foremost over anything else.  Neither works for my family.  I do not even agree with one of those options, but I am damned sure not going to say that if we do not force those families who educated and involve themselves differently than we do in our children's lives we have the right to call them out for it.  Beat your kid up, neglect your kid, starve your kid, sexual assault your kid.....there are laws in effect to handle that.  Educate your child in the manner you feels is best for your child, yeah, that is not going to raise any warning bells, be they homeschooled or public schooled.

She called 'lazy homeschoolers' cheaters.  She said they were not homeschoolers but merely truant.  Who decides what is lazy homeschooling?  When I was first thinking of creating a blog I gave serious thought to calling it 1) The Lazy Homeschooler or 2) The Unmotivated Homeschooler or 3) The Inappropriate Homeschooler.  We all know where I landed.  Inappropriate could include lazy and unmotivated as well as covering my ass for my sarcastic, obnoxious opinions, so I went with that.   I think this woman needs to butt the hell out of other folks homeschooling and I think folks like her are more of a problem for the 'face of homeschooling' than any 'lazy homeschooler' could ever be.  Why?  She's creating a problem where one doesn't really exist.  If there are those who are spending their days eating bon-bons and watching Doctor Who with their kids as their only activity what the hell do I care?  If their children grow up to be 'less' than successful - you know who she means - all those laborers who aren't college graduates who merely pick up our trash, deliver our packages, fix our cars, transport our goods and services, install our cable, build our homes, etc, then so be it.  I, for one, am glad there are those in the world who are working to pick up our trash, deliver our packages, fix our cars, clean up our public buildings, and so on.

Basically, I just want to tell this woman to shut the hell up, mind her own freakin' business, and worry about her own children (the ones she later admits she uses ipads and television as a distraction and babysitter for her kids).  Hey, I say that without ANY judgment, but I bet there is someone out there that would tell her how wrong that is to do to her kids.  We are all pots waiting to meet our kettles.  Seriously.  Everyone just stop telling everyone else how to do what they do.  As long as a person's choice isn't starting a war, ending a life, or denying someone their liberties......back the fuck off.  I blame insecurities for this shit.  It was the same way in the mom's groups when the children were littles.  And so it is in the homeschooling community, insecure women who are not nearly as confident with their choices as they'd like to be having to get all high and mighty telling others what choices to make and how to homeschool.  That's part of the reason homeschoolers do not feel as supported as they should be......other homeschoolers.  It's not only the naysayers of homeschooling, but those within the community themselves deciding that their choices must be the only right choices and so everyone must follow their example, that create discord.

Perhaps I am wrong, after all she has a Ph.D. and I merely a Master's.  So, clearly she is more successful than I.  I will say this in closing, if I wanted to follow the mainstream example for child-rearing and education today, my child would be in public school and she'd be wearing a tank top with pants that say 'Sweet' across her ass.  Ok?  So, back the hell out of my business and everyone else's business.  Put down your blog pen, go turn off the television, and spend some damn quality time with your kids.  That's not a judgment, merely a suggestion, because I do not really give a shit what you do.

~Mari B.

Getting Stuff Off My Chest

I’ve let a lot of stuff go by the wayside for the last few weeks.  Some I let go because I had enough on my plate to deal with and some I let go because I’m honestly working on myself and trying to let things go that don’t deserve my time or attention.  What falls into that second category, overwhelmingly, are circumstances and people that cause me to want to go off.  I’ve had moments, but I’m definitely more aware and controlling my responses much better.  As a result of all this though I have let a lot of stuff go.  I’ve ignored a lot of stuff too.  There have been a couple uplifting events that made me smile, both personally and in the world view.

I began training for a 5K three weeks ago.  I’ve never been an exercise person, ever.  I haven’t been this active in so long I can’t remember the last time.  However, I’ve yet to miss a day of training and while I haven’t seen any results by way of my clothes or the scale, I feel better physically, mentally, and emotionally and I’ve set my sights to actually run a 5K in June.  That’s huge for me.  Even when I started the training (one of those from the couch to a 5K apps) I had no intention of actually running a 5K in real life.  Now, that is my goal.  Big smile.

A world event that made me nod and smile was the Supreme Court’s ruling on DOMA.  All I can say about that is, ‘Well, duh….and about damn time.’

However, there have been other things in my life and in the world news that saddened me or pissed me off and I’ve been silent because I didn’t feel up to dealing with it or because I didn’t want to go off in a manner that made my ranting appear insane.  LOL  However, my gauge as hit the ‘full’ mark and I’ve got to get these things off my chest in order to make room for more positive things to come in.

I’m from Central Florida.  I grew up a stone’s throw from Sanford, Fl.  I was stunned at the George Zimmerman verdict.  While legally I never thought they would be able to prove Murder 2 I thought for sure he would be convicted of manslaughter.  Why?  As a jurist just learning that he ignored the instructions of the police dispatcher to remain in his vehicle meant he was looking to involve himself in something that had the potential to go wrong, the potential for someone to get hurt – including himself.  That says something to me – he either wanted to play hero or he wanted a fight.  Either way, he is responsible for his actions and since the young man is dead, part of the blame lays at Zimmerman’s feet.  I knew the black community would reel from the not guilty verdict. 

I know there is racism in America today.  In some ways it’s worse than prior to the Civil Rights movement.  Why?  People hide their racism.  Society accepts that racism is wrong, was always wrong, and that is should not be.  That’s on the surface.  Some folks have merely been trained to hide their racism, they haven’t stopped being racists.  I have no idea what is like to walk these streets as a person of color and I have no idea what it is like to be a man of color dealing with the deep-seated fear that communities have toward them.  I do know that mandatory sentencing is heavily slanted against people of color, they are in fact down right racist.  I do know that our prisons are full of more men than women and more of them are people of color than not.  All that points to a system that is racist.  Despite all this though I find myself wondering why the African American community, and all communities of various races, creeds, and color aren’t up in arms everyday over the crimes that are committed against our youth.  Black on black, white on black, black on white – it happens every day, everywhere.  But one young black man being shot by an adult (who was not black) is cause for the President to proclaim it a national tragedy?  It’s the fire lite under the NAACP’s political influence?  The list of young children who died from that day until the verdict was read is so long and so awful that I can’t even list them all.  Children, killed by other children or adults of the same race or difference race, just as dead as Trayvon Martin.  But it’s the crimes of white’s killing blacks that gets the media and the government’s attention?  What about the white man in North Georgia who was beaten to death by four black youths for no reason as he and his girlfriend were at a gas station?

There are enough tragic examples all over the internet.  My point?  It’s time to figure out why we are becoming a more violent society, at younger and younger ages, rather than constantly focusing on what color a person is that committed a crime or was a victim of one.  The pain a mother feels when burying her child is not dependent on the color of her skin.

Next thing I need to get off my chest – and this is a semi-repeat – I’m wondering if I will forever live in a country where, as a person who does not share a belief in the Christian religious doctrines, I will always hear how something I say offends one of them?   I’m not talking about me saying something about how ridiculous I think their beliefs are or other such insults, I’m talking about how I can’t even voice my opinion on why I believe what I do without it being an insult.  Yet, these folks either pick and choose what they do believe from their bible or they profess to believe it all and yet lead lives that are utterly out of step with their purported beliefs.  Why can’t I be offended by that?  You know, because of the hypocrisy of it all.  Sigh. 

Anyway, the world would have been a much better place if the last line of the Gospels had said, ‘Go forth and live your life as a shining example of brotherly love.  That is all that is required.’

Because that is all that is needed.  One does not require religion to be moral, one requires empathy.

Ok, I feel a little better now.  Thanks for tuning in.  Next blog post will be about homeschooling….I promise!

Mari B.

Deschooling - the Good, the Bad, and the Shocking

I’m almost at a loss as to where to begin.  You would think I could begin with Monday, except the days have blurred together and I’m not really sure what happened when.  This must be what a dryer ball feels like after a cycle; which way is up or better yet out?  Early warning though…it’s been a BIG week and this is a long post.  I’ll wait while you get your coffee (or vodka) and settle in…

I think it’s fair to say that we entered week three with me a little ‘tense’.  I’d ridden the deschooling, ‘it’s all good, whatever’, wagon for two solid weeks and while I knew, in my head, that I should not expect to see any ‘results’ after such a short period of time, I was becoming…ah, a little edgy.  It seemed to me that two things were happening simultaneously.  Each day, Punky was doing less and less, showing less and less interest in anything other than watching Netflix (reruns of old Disney shows, no less) and playing the occasional game of Minecraft or Roblox.  All the books she had picked out at the library sat on the table, gathering dust.  All the art supplies that she had dived into with such vigor the first week had been put away and not looked at again.  Her interest in anything remotely, not educational…not even ‘learny looking’, just anything remotely ACTIVE was zilch, zero, nada.  She basically did nothing until it was time to head out to either voice class, tap class, or rehearsals.

My eye was twitching, I’ll admit it. The math curriculum that we were to be ‘testing’ – that she had asked to do – lay untouched.  The packages were beginning to roll in of the things I’d ordered that were hands-on learning that she had been excited to order and she barely glanced at them.  To make matters worse (the other thing that was happening at the same time), Punky had pulled out her ‘pre-teen mouth’, slapped it on and was giving it a good spin around the block.  Every time I asked her something that apparently she didn’t like (and I’m not talking about asking her “Do you want to do Math?”), she snipped and quipped at me with all the pre-teen attitude she could muster.  I worked very hard at remaining calm.  I kept telling myself, she’s testing you.  This is just a test….if this were a real emergency further instructions (Divine intervention, perhaps?) would be given.

I was smart enough, or intuitive enough, or just lucky enough to have figured out that she was testing me.  She was seeing how serious I was about this new ‘you’ll take responsibility for your own learning, I’m merely a coach or mentor’ methodology for our homeschooling.  She was working me to see if there was a catch to it all or if I’d break.  As bad luck, or stupidity, would have it….I did break.  It wasn’t just ONE thing it was a combination of things, most of which was her smart mouth responses to me, eye rolling, and general disrespect.  Let’s just suffice it to say that what happened next will never be considered one of my more finer mothering moments and I lost out on any chance I might have even remotely had for being nominated for anything to do with mother of the year, no matter how much I apologized later for my ranting and ravings.

Oh, right…that was Monday.  Sigh.  

Which brings me to Tuesday.  

While sipping my coffee on Tuesday morning and doing that facebook thing, I was struck with an idea.  Punky now had her own email account!  I hopped onto my email and did two things.  First, I forwarded to her a couple of different emails that I receive that our from publications/websites that she likes or uses.  Why did I need to be the one to page through this stuff to see what might be interesting to her when she could do it for herself now that she had her own email account!  Next, I sent her a personal email inviting her to lunch after her voice lesson where we could talk more about our current issues.  I’m not sure if it was the novelty of it all, or if I landed on a brilliant parenting tactic, but Punky responded very positively to both emails.  

At lunch, I shared with her my frustrations at her growing attitude with me and how she wasn’t going to earn freedoms and my respect if she didn’t work on controlling her attitude and treating me with respect.  I talked with her about her decreased interest in doing anything productive or even active during the day.  I explained to her what my goals were for her and her learning journey were.  Examples include, know yourself, know how to learn, follow your dreams, master the English language both in written and spoken form, master every day math, develop critical thinking skills, etc...  I asked her what goals did she want for herself?  She parroted back to me mostly what I had said my goals for her were. 

Sigh.

 

I told her I wanted her goals to be HERS, not mine.  She looked me in the eye and said, “I just want to perform.  That’s the only goal I have for myself.  I don’t like reading, I understand that I need to learn to write and speak well and do math, but beyond that I don’t really have any other interests.”

I sat there feeling like a balloon with a slow leak.  Then she said, “I think that maybe….well, maybe I want to……never mind.”  I looked at her.  I know my daughter…..maybe not always as well as I think I do, but still.  I starred at her.  Finally I said, “Do you want to tell me that you want to go back to public school but you’re afraid to tell me?”  Quietly she said, “Yes.”  I felt like I’d been punched in the gut.  Neither of us said anything for a while.  My mind was racing.  It was time to regroup.  Finally I said, “Ok.  Can you tell me why you want to do that?”  Punky said, “I could go to school with my best friend and get to do all the stuff kids to in middle school.  I could be in the shows at school and everything.  Besides, I think I do better when it’s other people expecting me to do something, people other than you that is.” 

I was stunned.

After I flashed on the scene from Big Bang Theory where Leonard’s mother explains to Penny that people who choose to be performers suffer from an external locus of identity (valuing themselves only as others value them) that usually results from unmet needs in childhood (OUCH!); 

I explained to her how middle school worked and how unlikely it would be that she and BFF would actually be together during the day despite being at the same school.  I explained to her that middle school was ‘rough’ and that it might change her – intimidate her into being someone that she didn’t want to be.  She told me she could handle it.  I told her that was fine then, she could go back to public school.  I explained to her that there would be two ground rules  for returning to public school. First, she would have to spend the time between now and August working to get caught up in math, because she isn’t ready yet for 6^th grade math.  Second, there would be no more community theatre.  (The theatre is 40 minutes away from us and therefore it would be impossible to be in a show and be in public school).  What I didn’t tell her, but knew in my heart, was that if attending public middle school started to change her into one of ‘those’ kids…I’d yank her back out faster than she could whistle a show tune.

She just nodded at me with a very unhappy look on her face.  She was quiet in the car, as we listened to Harry Potter, on the way home.  Once we arrived home she asked if we could take the disc inside and continue listening.  Then she asked if we could listen to it in the school room while building with Legos together.  She’d been wanting to do that for the last two weeks with me and we hadn’t yet.  And that’s what we did.  For two hours we listened to Harry Potter and built Legos.  When we were done she said, “I think it’s time I do some math, where’s that new curriculum you wanted me to try?”  I handed it to her and she sat down and did the first lesson, asking for a little help here and there.  After that she went and got her library book and read for a while.  Then it was time for tap dance class.  We didn’t say another word about schooling the rest of that day.

Wednesday dawned and with it a child who had seemingly decided to remain homeschooled.  She did another math lesson and declared, “I think I like this new curriculum!”  I told her about an opportunity to take a free online science class about aerodynamics of flight and she agreed it sounded interesting.  She spent the afternoon in that online class building three types of paper airplanes and doing the other experiments that involved straws, funnels, ping pong balls and paper.  She finished her library book.  We listened to more Harry Potter (finishing the first book and starting the second) and we went to rehearsals.

Two important things happened to me yesterday.  First, I came across an article (a blurb really) written by someone attached to John Holt.  What I took most from what I read was this:  “…if John Holt were alive today, I think he would be saddened by the efforts of some people who try to turn his term ‘unschooling’ into some sort of a system, into a set of rules that must be followed. John trusted parents to learn from their experience with their children. He didn’t say, ‘If you’re going to call it unschooling, you’re going to have to do it my way.’ He wanted them to figure out what was right for them, for their whole family.”

You can read the blurb in full here:  http://lifelearningmagazine.com/blog/john-holt-figuring-unschooling-out-for-ourselves/

Second, I picked up a book at the library called ‘unschooling a lifestyle of learning’ by Sara McGrath.  My ‘a-ha’ moment came early, on page 13 to be exact.  “Unschooling parents trust that their children will seek out these skills when they need them.  However, unschooling parents don’t necessarily wait for their children to specifically request information or guidance regarding a particular skill.  A parent might offer help or new information at any time…New unschooling parents sometimes hesitate to initiate conversations or activities which resemble teaching.  However, unschooling philosophy fully supports any interaction with interested and receptive children.  Outwardly, this may look like a lecture or a homework assignment, but the unschooling activity will lack any coercive or mandatory element.  As long as our children agree to participate, we can share with them all that we know and help them find the answers.”

It may seem like nothing to you, but this was my biggest AHA! moment yet on this journey of deschooling/unschooling.  I had been squashing the natural, authentic, real parts of myself and my approach to living while waiting around for Punky to get bored and ask me to do something she specifically decided on her own!  Why had I done that, you may wonder?  Well, that was the way I’d understood it needed to be from all the books, blogs, and facebook pages I’d been reading on unschooling.  I’m not saying that’s not a right way to do it or that it doesn’t work for some families.  It’s just not what is going to work for us.  I need to DO, SEE, ENGAGE, LEARN and I’m going to offer as many opportunities, ideas, activities, and adventures as I can to Punky instead of…..waiting.

Maybe *I* just had it all wrong.  Please, if you are a veteran unschooler, there’s no need to inundate me with posts about how wrong my thinking was, how I just didn’t “get” it, or anything else discouraging or negative.  Thank you.  But the important part is that I now have it right.  The kind of right that feels right for me and for Punky!  I don’t want her learning to take place in a coercive environment and I totally get how learning only really happens when the learner is interested and engaged and ready!  But, it is my job….it will be my joy really… to fill her days and her mind with all sort of nifty ideas and opportunities for us to do, try, learn, and enjoy!  In fact as I type this I’m thinking “What a knucklehead I was….I *didn’t* get it before!”  But, at least now, I do.

So I’ll be diving into all the saved files I’m accumulated for the last 3 ½ years of cool, awesome, projects, learning opportunities, activities, experiments, and more that we never seem to find the time to get around to doing.  I’m going back to my Pinterest Boards and looking for all the neat ideas I pinned that we’ve never done.  I’m going to print out the Fuel the Fire newsletters from the last year and half as a reference for all the awesome, creative, out-of-the-box stuff that Julie Gilbert shares each month with subscribers!  I’m going to sit down with Punky and show her all the cool, awesome websites I’ve bookmarked containing great games, interactives, and more she can explore on her own!  I can finally say with total honesty, I am looking forward to tomorrow!  I’m not abandoning the deschooling/unschooling method at all!  I am however, going to structure it so it suits our family best!  I don’t care what label I end up with either!

And so ends week 3…..

Wow, this is the longest post I’ve ever written!  

Hope you stayed with me until the end!

~Mari B.