Saturday, July 6, 2013

To Be or Not To Be....

It’s been a while, a long while, since I blogged…over three months.  There was no one reason why, but many.  First was the funk I was in from my husband leaving for a year remote assignment.  Next was a public smack down I received via the internet from someone I thought was a friend.  Then there was the usual end of school year business and Punky’s performance schedule for ‘The Music Man’, then acting camp and then another show ‘Honk, the Musical’ as well as her tap dance recital. 

In the midst of all that my sister in-law passed away suddenly and unexpectedly.  We were simply stunned.  Hubby was sent home by the Red Cross for two weeks and that consumed us.  The day he left to return our 2 year old niece drowned in the family swimming pool.  We buried the oldest child and youngest grandchild in a two week period.  I’ll just sum it all up by saying it was an emotionally rough month.

Now, I’m back…..because I’m doing better.  Not great, yet, but better.  I worry that I’ve changed somehow, intrinsically, that I no longer have what I did that made me funny or inappropriate.  My friends have noticed the difference.  I’m hoping that I get back to being ‘me’, the ‘me’ that I recognize but I think I have changed in a significant way.  I don’t feel myself and I’m trying to find my footing.  The immersion of who I was with how I’ve changed is a difficult process, I find.  I’ll admit it, there are days, more than I’d like to admit to, where I don’t deal with it all I just hide.  I hide inside my house, staying off the internet a lot, and I immerse myself in distracting activities like reading and getting caught up on my Netflix watching as well as spending time with Punky.

I know that I can’t do that forever, and I am getting back into the game…..however slowly.  Two weeks ago I started a 5K training program.  For me, this is huge.  I haven’t purposely participated in a physical exercise routine in 15 or more years.  It’s going well and I do believe it’s helping on several levels.  I’m putting together 6th grade for Punky, who flat out told me, after more than 3 months of unschooling, she doesn’t like unschooling.  She wants to have lessons and assignments.  I’m working on finding a balance between unstructured free time integrated with lessons and assignments.  It’s coming along and I’ll blog about that soon.

Until then, for those that stuck with me, while I was away, thank you.  Thank you for your comments of support on the IH page.  Thanks to the newbies for dropping in to my blog and reading past posts.  I hope that the strange twists and turns I’m navigating won’t bore you too much.  But for me, putting it into written words finally became necessary so that I could have written evidence of this new evolution of my being.

Until next time…..

Mari B.


  1. (((((BIGHUGS)))))))
    You made my emotions crumble!
    You have a full plate and I wish you all the best.

  2. Please don't forget and the other various resources for counselling. You are not alone! Reach out if you need to. A deployment is hard enough without the extra stress of the deaths in the family (so so sorry for this too). Baby steps....

  3. I just came upon your blog..completly by accident. See I live in Southern California and is this day or modern technoligy have meet a genuine soul all the way up in Canada..Well she posted one of your little things and one thing lead to another and here I am. Also homeschooling for 3 years with a freshman wanting to go back to public school(dont even get me started...LOL) I also do not fit in with the Christian moms...I can't play nice when I see a hypocrite and after reading your blog about it just wanted to give you my congrats...with regard to the current blog above...I have so been in your shoes and here are my words(for what they are worth) You have not lost the woman you are...your in pain and your soul is working hard to prioritize the world and all in it so that you can come out of this as undamaged as possible..I have found that when you allow the sorrow to pass however long that may take(mourn but dont get comfortable in that world....) you wont feel guilty of laughter.......once you dont feel guilty to laugh...when you can cry and smile at the memory of your loved will emerge once sister has been gone for 14 years...I am at the point where I can get pretty misty during the holidays but genuinely feel at peace with my JOY of the steps kiddo...hope you don't take my words as an offense I truly am just sharing my heart because with love and lose we all do it differently and every little insight helps....

    1. Your words were beautiful and I appreciate them very much. I'm reminded again of the random kindness that can be found in the world and how the universe can use a stranger to help during times of need. Thank you for posting to me.

      Mari B.

  4. I am so thankful for the ability to help in the slightest..and It brought a tear to my eye...and a genuine one at that..thanks for being open to my words and continue in your word for it is a work very much need...light and love...

  5. so, so sorry about your family tragedies. my thoughts are with you and your family. <3


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