I know it's been a while since I've blogged. A lot is going on right now as we try to get all our ducks in a row preparing for hubby's departure. The weeks tick off on our calendar and as they do the realness of his leaving grows more and more in my heart. I worry. I always thought I could handle it if he left on a remote - and I'm sure I will - but I'm not as secure about it as I thought I would be. At first I worried mostly about all those things he handles, that I never have, around the house and such. Hubby is quite the handy man. Then I worry about Punky having her father missing from her life during a very important time - the beginning of the transition from girl to young woman. Now, I also worry about me. My husband is not a social, party type of guy. He's a homebody. I enjoy social engagements and usually get my fill with my friends while he's happy to stay home and look after the hearth and Punky. So, it's not so much that I'll be missing my 'date' while he's gone. Of course I'll miss the 'daily life' sharing that we do, that's to be expected. But what finally struck me the other day, what I realize is what I am going to miss most, is the thing that convinced me he was 'the one' for me in the first place.
After we had announced our engagement to friends and family, I remember an evening when some girlfriends asked me, "How do you know that he's the one?" What I said then, that was very true, is why I worry now about being apart for a year. I said, "My entire being is calmer, happier, and more content just having him in my life." He doesn't have to be right there with me in the room, we don't have to be 'doing' something together - just knowing that he is circling in my atmosphere, brings me a sense of security and peace. Knowing that he will walk through that door, at some point in the day, gives me peace. Knowing that if I need to speak with him, he's but a phone call away, gives me confidence for dealing with whatever the day is bringing.
Having him more than 5,000 miles away isn't in my atmosphere and my peace is shaken. I haven't been sleeping well. I've started grinding my teeth in my sleep (an old childhood issue) and as a result my jaws ache all day long. It's the stress. At first I thought, of course I'm stressed, we have so much to get done before he leaves! But, I realize it's not what we have to get done before he's gone that's stressing me out. It's that he is taking my peace with him.
Two years after we had started dating hubby joined the military and for the next four years he was stationed 7 hours away from where I was living. We did the 'long distance' relationship. Obviously, we survived it (although I'm not trying to make it seem as if it was easy) and married 19 years ago. That's the longest I've gone without him in my daily life - but we had frequent visits and even more frequent phone calls. We also didn't have a home together and a child together at that time. This time, this distance, will be different than that.
This is what is going on right now, and I've blogged about it already a couple of times. I don't want to bore people with this issue and so I just haven't been blogging. There is nothing else right now that occupies my mind long enough to think about it or write about it. This is what I have inside me right now. So, I'm a little absent from my blog. I only write about it again to explain why I'm absent and maybe also in hopes that if I get it out, if I call it by it's name, I'll begin to deal with it easier. I don't know.
On a completely different topic, I am reading a fantastic book about homeschooling called 'Free Range Learning'. I recommend it highly! The only down-side to it is that it's making we realize how 'wrong' I've been doing this homeschooling thing for the last 3 years and it stresses me, a little, wondering if it's too late to change directions at this point in Punky's education. Which, is just what I need right now.....more stress and discord, right? But it's a very interesting read and in an effort to use the time hubby is gone in productive, useful ways, I do believe Punky and I will try a little experiment based on what I'm reading in this book.
So, I'll have that to blog about......which will be much more interesting, I'm sure, than my whiny, pitiful blogs about missing my husband.